Vicevi na engleskom

Baraba · Džentlmen

Posto je danasnjica takva da nam je potrebno multilingualno obrazovanje, ovde cemo da "turamo"/postavljamo viceve na engleskom.
Sa srecom. Wink

Pocinjem ja. Razz

_______________________________________________________________________________________

50 THINGS WE WISH GIRLS KNEW ...

1. We aren't mind readers!

2. We are not to be used as pawns in trying to make your girlfriends jealous.

3. When you sleep over never boss me around in bed unless it is during sex.

4. Smoking is the biggest turn off.

5. It never hurts to work out.

6. If you don't want to hear the truth, don't ask the question.

7. "Fine" or "whatever" is not an appropriate ending to a conversation.

8. If you want sex, just ask. (In case you didn't already know.)

9. Don't expect guys to say as many sweet things as they do in the movies.
(It takes a lot of guys and their wives to come up with those scripts).

10. Only models are able to wear most of the stuff you see in fashion magazines.

11. No guy will complain if he comes home and sees you in one of the following
outfits: French Maid, School girl, bunny, or just plain naked.

12. You don't need lingerie to look sexy before bed, short cotton shorts
and a tank top are fine by us.

13. Girls look good naked so stop worrying.

14. Sharing your deepest feelings in no way guarantees reciprocity.

15. We are all kinky and willing to try anything that you may enjoy, just
let us know.

16. Every so often no matter whether it is true or not remind us that we
have the biggest penis you've ever dealt with. 17. If were not getting love
we'll start looking...(haha...just kidding...psych...I'm dead serious)

18. The greatest thing ever is to watch a girl touch herself.

19. Most of the time when I fantasize it is about another person.

20. If you, the girl, make out with another girl we won't consider it cheating.
Actually we strongly promote this behavior.

21. Your hair is like 14 inches long, how are we supposed to notice a quarter
inch missing.

22. You shouldn't be flattered or grossed out if we get an erection when
dancing with you. All we need is Friction.

23. Porn...hmmm...Porn. Watching porn is like breathing it would just be
wrong to ask us to stop.

24. We masturbate, usually more when we are in a relationship, can't explain
it but it is just fact.

25. Blue balls are not sporting equipment. Didn't your parents teach you
not to quit.

26. Giving head is never a bad idea.

27. We are conservationists at heart, water is our biggest love, so shower
with us.

28. There are three acceptable ways to wake up: (1) You on top of us. (2)
Getting head. (3) Some sort of breakfast.

29. We don't mind going to gay movies with you but don't tell our friends.

30. You can't hold it against us if we cry after sports movies or "Old yeller."

31. "The game is on" is an acceptable excuse to avoid any serious conversation.

32. Any harsh contact with the testicles should be assumed a serious injury
but soft caresses are strongly encouraged. 33. You're probably not as funny
as you think.

34. Brad Pitt is probably a cool guy but if I hear one more girl say "he's
so hot" he may have to die.

35. Your period should be referred to as Blowjob week. (Influenced by a
Maxim article)

36. Cooking makes a girl that much more attractive especially if she can
use a grill.

37. You can't get mad if we refuse to hook up your "ugly friend" with one
of our friends.

38. For every fart that slips out when you are around we successfully hold
in about 15, enduring excruciating pain to do this.

39. If we want to take naked pictures of you it is because we are proud and
want to show you off to our friends.

40. The red light means the video camera is off.

41. A guy should be considered sensitive if he asks whether you want to do
it with the lights on or off.

42. Whip cream and chocolate syrup are not just condiments for ice cream
also Altoids just don't make your breath fresher.

43. Nothing you will ever do will entitle you to operate the remote control.
(Unless operating means handing it to us.)

44. The only thing left to be said after sex is "goodnight."

45. Video games have helped us develop such finger skills that should only
encourage us to play more often.

46. Critiquing our driving is only second to critiquing our love making.

47. Guys nights out are sacred events. If we answer questions we could
be castrated.

48. If you ask us to go shopping you have to at least entertain the idea of
having sex in a changing room.

49. The jeans don't make your ass look fat. Your fat ass makes your ass
look fat.

50. 99.5% of the time we didn't mean to hurt you.

---#*#----#*#----#*#----#*#----#*#----#*#----#*#----#*#----#*#---

Baraba · Džentlmen

Nema neshto voljnih ovde... Pala prashina...
Idem ja opet... Very Happy

~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~

To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:

1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynaecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. Give her compliments regularly
45. Love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. Not stress her out
49. Not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself.
51. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself.
52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes.

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. Never to forget:
* Birthdays
* Anniversaries
* Arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:
1. Shag him
2. Leave him in peace

~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~~~fh~~~~~~~~

Lilly lovedoll · ***GiMmE mOrE***

What do you get when you cross a snowm an and a vapire?
Frostbite

Annabel_Lee · **ஐ NaUgHtGeLiC ஐ**

Deder i ja da turim nešto Smile

- A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

-------------------------------------------------------------

- A man asked for a meal in a restaurant. The waiter brought the food and put it on the table. After a moment, the man called the waiter and said:

"Waiter! Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!"

"Please don't speak so loudly, sir," said the waiter, "or everyone will want one."

--------------------------------------------------------------

- What is the longest word in the English language?

"Smiles". Because there is a mile between its first and last letters!

-------------------------------------------------------------

- There are 5 birds in a tree. A hunter shoots 2 of them dead. How many birds are left?

2 birds. The other 3 fly away!

--------------------------------------------------------------

- An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: "woman without her man is nothing". The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

granger_ · **Wanted!**

Two Russians
One Russian asks the other. "If you had two cars, would you give me
one?" The other one replies "Of course". The first one asks again "If you
had two horses, would you give me one?" The other one replies "Of course".
The first Russian asks third time "If you had two chickens, would you give
me one?" The other one replies "No". First Russian says "Why not?". The
other one says "Because I do have two chickens

Very Happy

Peter: I felt so bad when I woke up this morning, that I tried to kill myself by taking a thousand aspirin.
David: Oh really?! What happened ??
Peter: After the first two I felt better...

Very Happy

Teacher: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?
Student: Big hands!

Very Happy

Teacher: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
Student: I is...
Teacher: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am..."
Student: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

Very Happy

Peter : What a strange pair of socks you are wearing; one is green and the other one is blue!
David : Yes it is really strange. I've got another pair at home that are exactly the same.

Very Happy

Alexns · **Tinkerbell's pixie dust**

Hmmm nisam sigooran da li je vec postavljano pre u nekoj droogoj temi ali evo primer jednog americkog formoolara Mr. Green

Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.

Last name: ________________ First name:
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: [_]M [_]F Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name:___________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________

Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___

Mother's Name: ___________________(include first and last)
Father's Name: ___________________(include first and last)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education, what was your major?
[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Age you started drivin ______
(If over 10 are you are still slow lerrnin? [_] Yes * [_] No)

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen ____# of firearms
____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse
____ shed ____ pawnshop

Model and year of your pickup:
_____________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters_

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know

Baraba · Džentlmen

Malo da osvezhimo... Very Happy

~~~~d~~~~~~~o~~~~~~~m~~~~~~~a~~~~~~~c~~~~~~~i~~~~~~~d~~~~~~~e~~~~

EN-ROUTE

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The
route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival
the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat,
shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route,
he noticed that the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was
in at the hotel and called her, wondering what had happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed,
"one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says
'Do Not Disturb'!"

~~~~d~~~~~~~o~~~~~~~m~~~~~~~a~~~~~~~c~~~~~~~i~~~~~~~d~~~~~~~e~~~~

bree · BabyG´s mezimica

-How many men does it take to open a beer?
-None.It should be open when she brings it!

Annabel_Lee · **ஐ NaUgHtGeLiC ஐ**

Q: What's the main difference between intelligence and ignorance?
A: I don't know and I don't care!

Q: What's white and hangs down from a cloud?
A: The coming of the lord.

Q: What's the different between a girl taking a bath, and a nun?
A: A nun has hope in her soul, and the girl has soap in her hole.

Q: What's the best way to make a nun pregnant?
A: F*ck her!

Q: What were Christy McAuliffe's last words before the Challanger disaster?
A: What does this button do?

Q: How did they know that Vic Morrow had dandruff?
A: They found his head and shoulders in the bushes

Q: How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
A: One, but you must slice him really thin.

Q: Why doesn't jesus like to eat M&Ms?
A: They keep falling through the holes in his hands.

Q: What's the difference between a laywer and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

Q: What's the difference between a laywer and a vulture?
A: Laywer aren't an endangerd species.

Q: What does vegetarian dingos eat?
A: Cabbage patch kids.

Q: What's red and wet and spread for miles?
A1: Baby dropped through helicoper blades.
A2: Baby tossed in a jet intake at 30'000 feet. (Really spread around)

Q: What's the thing Jesus heard?
A: Cross your legs, we've got only three nails.

Q: What do you call big, ugly, hairy nun driving motorcycles?
A: Hell's Angels of Mercy.

Q: What do you call an anorexic with yeast infection?
A: A quarter pounder with cheese.

Q: What's one of the pros of marrying a mexican?
A: Unlimited supply of natural gas.

Q: How many paranoic people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Who want's to know?

Q: Why don't epileptics order Cokes at McDonalds?
A: They have the shakes instead.

Q: What's the difference between a jar of afterbirth and a jar of sand?
A: You can't gargle sand.

Q: How do you get 5 babies in a shoebox?
A: With cuisinart.

Q: Why should you put a baby in a blender feet first?
A: To see the expression on its face.

Q: Why do dogs lick their balls?
A: Because they can.

Q: Why are womens ass's and cunts so close together?
A: So you can pich them up like a sixpack

Q: Have you seen Stevie Wonders new car?
A: No, but neither has he.

XLgrobar · Početnik Domaćeg.de

Pesma jednoj ribici

Oh My wet pet !!!

8)

[Edit by Coco Bill: XLgrobar, molim te, izbegavaj velika slova]

aureliano · ♣ El Capitán ♠

I Want to Buy That
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

----------------

Are You Really Sure?
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

----------------

Blonde Car Accident
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

Annabel_Lee · **ஐ NaUgHtGeLiC ஐ**

Tema 'Jokes in English' spojena je sa već postojećom Wink

Hvala kolegama coco_bill-u i Barabi Wink