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aureliano · ♣ El Capitán ♠

The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is directly proportional to time spent on the road. Driving fast decreases one's exposure. One third of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers; two thirds are caused by non-drunk drivers. Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and very fast.

A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge.
The judge said,
- What will you take: 30 days or $30?
The man thought and replied,
- I think I'll take the money.

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench.
- "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court", he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."

A traffic policeman stops a woman and asks to see her driving licence. - Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses when driving.
- Well, replies the woman, "I have contacts."
- Lady, I don't care who you know, your still going to get a ticket.

- What do you do if you see a spaceman?
- Park your car in it man.

Magistrate,
- But if you saw the lady driving towards you, why didn't you give her half the road?
Motorist,
- I was going to, Your Honour, as soon as I could find out which half she wanted.

Motorist,
- But, officer, I was speeding because I'm late for an appointment with my lawyer.
Policeman,
- Well, now you've got something else to tell him.

A state trooper pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.
- "I was only going 40!" the driver protested.
- "Not according to my radar," the trooper said.
- "Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.
- "No you weren't!" the trooper said.
With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said,
- "Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he's been drinking."

A blonde is driving down the freeway in her car when her boyfriend calls on the cell phone. When she picks up the phone he says,
- Hi honey, it's me, I just wanted to call and tell you to be careful, it says on the news that there is a car driving the wrong way on the freeway.
She says,
- There's not one, there's hundreds of them!

One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said,
- I did that by accident.
She replied,
- I know that, daddy.
He replied,
- How'd you know?
The girl said,
- Because you didn't say 'ASSHOLE!' afterwards!

aureliano · ♣ El Capitán ♠

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

__________

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

__________

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

__________

When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

__________

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .

__________

A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

__________

A young son asked,
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

__________

Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."

__________

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

__________

If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
__________

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.

__________

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

__________

"A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to
forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray
for Strength I'll just beat him to death"

__________

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they
find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit
onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the
husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as
he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a
piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is
driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR
stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."

srna2422 · Odomaćeni član

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human
beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she said.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident and why she thought the cat stuttered.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we
knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...
And before he could say "Fuck", the rottweiler ate him!"

coco_bill · Zli carobnjak-lingvista

A little bit naughty, but I want it to share it with you. Mr. Green

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this huge black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says:
- 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.
The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and
brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says:
- What's wrong with you?
In a weak voice the little guy says:
- What exactly did you say to me?
The big dude says:
- I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me: I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown.
- Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said: "Turn around"!

Boky · **¤ The King of Kolo ¤**

After shopping in a mall, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my kid through college somehow, don't I?"

Mr. Green

Baraba · Džentlmen

T-Shirts

In case you can't read the small print on the red shirt:

"Sex is like snow - you never know how many inches you'll get or how long
it will last"

edit:
What about the barber

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked "How long before I can get
a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said "About 2
hours." The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked "How
long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said "About 3 hours." The guy
left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked "How long
before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said "About an hour and a half." The
guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said "Hey Bob do me a favor. Follow
that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait
for a haircut but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later Bob returned to the shop laughing his ass off. The
barber asked "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bob looked up wiped the tears from his eyes and said ,,,

"Your house!"

coco_bill · Zli carobnjak-lingvista

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked: "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered: "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her: "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal: "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, Delicious and Contains thin,Whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Harry replied: "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher: "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong....."

srna2422 · Odomaćeni član

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the
bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying
only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to
"clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at
the parrot. The parrot yelled back.

John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in
desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly
there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that
he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I
believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm
sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend
to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to
ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the
bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Baraba · Džentlmen

Senior Dating

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went
out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I
give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7
P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such
beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a
luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me
out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and
after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I
enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are
coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy,
he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out
with him?"
Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

*Mayche* · **.:Lust Stained Despair:.**

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him,'What's wrong with you?' Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would bea woman. He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook foryou, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She willalways agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, andwill always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had adisagreement. She will praise you!She will bear your children, and never ask you to get up in the middleof the night to take care of them. 'She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love andpassion whenever you need it.' Adam asked God,'What will a woman like this cost?' God replied, 'An arm and a leg.' Then Adam asked,'What can I get for a rib?' Of course the rest is history............!!!!

Baraba · Džentlmen

Definitions of Heaven and Hell.

Heaven; the police are British, the chefs are French, the mechanics are
German, your lover is Italian and it's all organized by the
Swiss.

Hell; the police are German, the chefs are British, the mechanics are
French, your lover is Swiss and it's all organized by the
Italians.

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Baraba · Džentlmen

Irish Humor
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over
by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and
bruised and he's walking with a limp' W hat happened to you?'
asks Sean, the bartender.' Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says
Paddy. 'T hat little sh*t, O'Conner,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to
you, he must have had something in his hand.'' That he did,' says Paddy,
'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself, didn't you have
something in your hand?' That I did,' said Paddy. 'Mrs. O'Conner's breast,
and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.'

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the
city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the
road. A cop pulls him over.'
So,' says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?''
Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.
'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this
evening.'
'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.'
Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across
his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your
car?''
Oh, thank Heavens,' sighs the drunk. ' For a minute there, I thought I'd
gone deaf.'

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives
at her door.
'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks. 'I've somethin' to tell ya'.
'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my
husband?'
'That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda.' There was an accident down
at the Guinness brewery...'
'Oh, God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me.'
'I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.'
Finally, she looked up at Tim. 'How did it happen, Tim?'
'It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and
drowned.'
'Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go
quickly?''
Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.'

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service,
and she's in tears.
He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'
She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last
night.'
The Priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any
last requests?'
She says, 'That he did, Father.'
The Priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary? '
She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church , enters a confessional booth,
sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his
attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds
three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side
either!'

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___