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Baraba · Džentlmen

Dear Dear

Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've
been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you
quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home
and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite
meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two
minutes,
and went straight to sleep after watching all your soaps. You don't tell me
you love me anymore; you don't want s*x or anthing that connects us as
husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me
anymore;
whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your Ex-Husband
PS. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to Melbourne
together! Have a Great Life!

Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. Its true that you
and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry
from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out
your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice
when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind
was "You look like a girl !" Since my mother raised me to not to say
anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you
cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my SISTER,
because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. About those silk boxers: I
turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I
prayed that it was coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50.00 from
me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So
when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us
two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything
happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have a the fulfilling life you
always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote will ensure you
won't get a cent from me. So take care,

Signed Your Ex-Wife, Rich as Hell and Free !
PS. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born
CARL.
I hope that's not a problem.

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

ljubo085 · Upućeni član

A:pet and repeat are on the both pet feel of what's left on?
B: Repeat!
A:pet and repeat are on the both pet feel of what's left on?
B: Repeat!
A:pet and repeat are on the both pet feel of what's left on?
B: Repeat!
A:pet and repeat are on the both pet feel of what's left on?
........

Baraba · Džentlmen

7 Kinds Of Sex

RECENT RESEARCH SHOWS THERE ARE 7 KINDS OF SEX:

The 1st kind of s*x is called: Smurf Sex

This kind of s*x happens when you first meet someone and you both have s*x
until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of s*x is called: Kitchen Sex

This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are
so needy you will have s*x anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of s*x is called: Bedroom Sex

This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your s*x has
gotten routine and you usually have s*x only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of s*x is called: Hallway Sex

This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass
each other in the hallway, you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of s*x is called: Religious Sex

Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at
night. (Very Popular!)

The 6th kind is called: Courtroom Sex

This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court
and screws you in front of everyone.

And, last, but not least, the 7th kind of s*x is called: Social Security
Sex

You get a little each month - but not enough to enjoy yourself.

Please do not reply to tell me what stage you are in. I have enough
problems of my own!

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coco_bill · Zli carobnjak-lingvista

An Arab at the airport:
- Name?
- Abdul al-Rhazib.
- Sex?
- Three to five times a week.
- No, no... I mean male or female?
- Male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
- But isn't that hostile?
- Horse style, doggy style, any style!
- Oh dear!
- No, no! Deer run too fast!

Baraba · Džentlmen

Why I love Mum ...

Mum and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, 'I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed'

She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches.

Rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.

She then put some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes into the washer, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button

She picked up the game pieces left on the table, put the phone back on the charger and put the telephone book into the drawer.

She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry.

She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a text book out from hiding under the chair.

She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse.

Mom then washed her face with 3 in 1 cleanser, put on her Night solution & age fighting moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and filed her nails.

Dad called out, 'I thought you were going to bed.'

'I'm on my way,' she said.

She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked and the patio light was on.

She looked in on each of the kids and turned out their bedside lamps and TV's, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks into the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.

In her own room, she set the alarm; laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her 6 most important things to do list. She said her prayers, and visualized the accomplishment of her goals.

About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular. 'I'm going to bed.'

And he did...without another thought.

Anything extraordinary here? Wonder why women live longer...?

CAUSE WOMEN ARE MADE FOR THE LONG HAUL..... (and we can't die sooner, we still have things to do!)

Baraba · Džentlmen

An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra "Can I have 6 tablets,
cut in quarters?"

"I can cut them for you " said the chemist "But a quarter tablet will not
give you a full erection."

"I am 96 " said the old man . "I don't want an erection. I just want it
sticking out far enough so I don't p*ss on my slippers. " Mr. Green

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edit + update:

Possibly the best come-back ever!

A divorced man meets his ex-wife's new husband at a party.

Later, after knocking back a few drinks, he goes over to the new guy and
asks him:
'So ... how do you like using second hand stuff?'

The new husband replies: 'It isn't that bad. Past the first 3 inches it's
all brand new.' Mr. Green

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Baraba · Džentlmen

Two sides ...

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'

The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so
was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father
answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race
evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible
that you told me the human race was created by God, and
Dad said they developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my
side of the family and your father told you about his.'

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coco_bill · Zli carobnjak-lingvista

Italian pasta diet (it realy works):
1. You walka pasta da bakery.
2. You walka pasta da candy store.
3. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4. You walka pasta da table and fridge.

You will lose weight!!!

Baraba · Džentlmen

101 Things NOT to say on your wedding night

1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
11. Person 1: This is your first time right? Person 2: Yeah.. today
12. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. (preparing to use peanut butter s*xually) But I just steam-cleaned this
couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfilment of ################!
31. (in a ménage a trios) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..
47. No, really... I do this part better myself!
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people..
50. You're almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. Is that you I smell or is this mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession...
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my ########### operation?
71. I really hate women who actually think s*x means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're
fantasizing about...
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?
79. Q: You can cook, too right?
A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like.
Woman: Yourself?
82. Have you seen 'Fatal Attraction'?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for 'The Enquirer'.
93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin too?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100. How long do you plan to be 'almost there'?
101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Definition of a happy man.

Daughter on the front cover of Vogue.
Son on the front cover of a sports magazine.
Mistress on the cover of Playboy.
and; Wife on the cover of missing persons!

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Baraba · Džentlmen

Little Johnny

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go
into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane
in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as
he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the
playground and
I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and
he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane... "

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want
to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny
started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into
the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane
a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane
helped
Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same
thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Mommy fainted!

The moral here is: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before
you interrupt.

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Baraba · Džentlmen

Little Mark on maths

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you
shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little MARK.
He replies, 'None , they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then little MARK says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little MARK replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the
Wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

Little Mark on maths (Part 2)

Little MARK returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies MARK.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the f*cking difference?' asks the father
'That's what I said!'

Little Mark on english

Little MARK goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?'
MARK says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little MARK, that's a mouthful.'
Little MARK says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

Little Mark on Grammar

Little MARK was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go
to the bathroom. He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a p*ss!!'
The teacher replied, 'Now, MARK, that is NOT the proper word to use in this
situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-I-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow
You to go.'
Little MARK, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if you
had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'

Little Mark on Grammar (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of
hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence
twice.
First, she called! On little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought
my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little
Michael.
' My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on
little MARK.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father she was
Pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f*cking beautiful!''

Little Mark on getting older

Little MARK was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said,
'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you
acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little MARK replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little MARK answered, 'No, he minded his own f*cking business.

I LOVE Little MARK!!!

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Boky · **¤ The King of Kolo ¤**

A cab driver picks up a fare at Pearson International. As soon the guy steps into the cab, the cabbie knows this guy is from Texas. He’s got the big 10 Gallon hat, the huge belt buckle and the swaggering walk. The Texan asks the cabbie if he would show him the sights for an extra $50.00 on his fare. The cabbie says sure, thinking of the extra $50.

He takes him on a tour of Toronto, first taking him to the City Hall and Nathan Philip Square. “How long did it take them to put that up?” asks the Texan? The cabbie thinks and says, “About 3 years.” “In Texas we would have that up in 1 and a half years.” They drive on.

Next they pass the Rogers Centre and the Texan asks, “How long did it take to build that?” The cabbie says, “2 years.” “In Texas we would have built that in 6 months.”

The cabbie, fuming from the arrogance of the Texan, drives by the CN Tower.

“Whoo-eee! How long do you think it took to put that up?!” The cabbie looks over and acts startled, “It wasn’t there this morning!”